Erogenous zones – a spotter’s guide

May 24, 2008 at 1:26 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged ,

This post will only be as helpful as its readers, so contribution via comments is sorely needed.

The joke about erogenous zones is that women have hundreds and men have one. But this isn’t true, all genders have areas on their body that are pleasurable and what constitutes an erogenous zone will be as varied as every person who has sex. To get us started in this ’spotter’s guide’ here are a few obvious ones for men and women.

Men

  • Penis
  • Testicles
  • Perineum
  • Anus
  • Chest
  • Shoulders
  • Neck
  • Thighs
  • Bottom
  • Back – especially the sacrum (base of the spine in a band around to the sides)

Women

  • Nipples
  • Breasts
  • Clitoris
  • Labia
  • G spot
  • Vagina
  • Perineum
  • Anus
  • Bottom
  • Back – especially the sacrum (see above)
  • Stomach
  • Neck
  • Wrists
  • Thighs
  • Feet

Now these are your common or garden erogenous zones, and in order to find the rarer e-zones I’d like this post to be as contributive as possible. Consider yourself an erogenous zone spotter – if you spot/find/feel an erogenous zone not listed above (and preferably if you have a favoured technique for said erogenous zone) then post it as a comment. I’d like to build a big, varied list so all the readers of this blog can contribute, learn and ultimately benefit from a collective knoweldge of erogenous zones and how best to treat them.

Thanks!

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Masturbation

May 24, 2008 at 1:10 pm · Filed under masturbation ·Tagged , , , , , , ,

If you want to have a good sexual experience with a partner you need to know your own body well enough to give them directions (and, if necessary, a map and torch). After all, even if your partner is the same gender as you they will not be able to know what you like by chance. And if you’re in it for the orgasms knowing your own body is essential. This is where masturbation comes in, for people of all ages, genders and relationship statuses.

As a woman masturbation is not talked about as you’re growing up. It seems to be all boys discuss, indeed male culture seems to encourage openness about masturbation and while this is usually through jokes, porn-swapping and mickey-taking it is still an issue that is out in the open. Girls however, do not discuss masturbation as they are growing up and even then do not really discuss it as adults. Ann Summers’ parties occur but usually under the influence of plenty of wine, and there is still an abashed secrecy surrounding self pleasure.

Masturbation is about so much more than ‘cracking one off’. It enables you to explore your body in a non-pressured environment (the ultimate night in alone), try things that perhaps you wouldn’t feel comfortable exploring with your partner just yet, fine tune your technique, or just road test sensations and areas of your body you may or may not share with your partner. Masturbation allows you to get to know yourself, and it’s a whole lot easier to feel a bit more positive about your body when it can blow your socks off with an orgasm. Masturbation is key to reconciling your sexuality with your psyche, loving yourself physically with masturbation can help you love yourself psychologically. Don’t be afraid of touching yourself, it’s a form of pampering yourself without any guilt. It’s not evil, it’s not bad, it’s you. And moreover you are lovely and sensual, you feel great and you can give yourself a lot of pleasure. Treat yourself to the attention you deserve, love yourself! (pun fully intended)

As well as being something you can do with yourself to have fun, explore your sexuality and relax, masturbation can make your sexual experience with a partner so much better. If you know what you like, show and tell! Being familiar with how, why and when you orgasm will enable you to guide your partner to give you stronger/better/faster climaxes. Being comfortable with touching your body and how it feels, smells, sounds and behaves helps break down inhibitions during sex for you and your partner.

So, some tips:

  • Try and find all your erogenous zones. Stroke and explore your whole body. If you have a vibrator/massager, feathers, ice cubes, massage oil, try them all out all over and see how it feels.
  • If you’re male, don’t just focus on your penis. Play with your balls, the perineum, try using some lube and explore in and around your arse with fingers, a butt plug or a vibrator. Play with your nipples, the insides of your thighs…explore! Try clenching your pelvic floors with a hard on and watch what happens.
  • If you’re female start off by playing with your clitoris. Actually, scrap that, start off by reading this. Then play with your clitoris. It’s mighty sensitive (it has more nerve endings than the penis and is the only area on the male or female body that exists entirely for pleasure) so try circling around it, pinching it or laying your hand flat over your labia and clitoris (middle finger over your clit) and moving in circles or from side to side. Using spit, lube or evern playing through your underwear can lessen the sensitivity and change the sensation. Explore the labia, the area around them, your perineum and your arse. When it comes to the vaginal passage, have a good explore. (If you’re a menstrual cup user you should know yourself pretty well already if not, well, more about them later) Get to know yourself. As your put your finger in explore the ring of muscle around the entrance. Squeeze your pelvic floors around your finger (you should be exercising these anyway). About two inches in on the top wall you should feel a patch of vagina that feels rough, or ribbed, or just different to the rest. This is your G spot. Get to know it well, it can cause strong orgasms for many women, especially when combined with clitoral stimulation. Finally work your way up to your cervix. If you have an IUD you should be used to this by having to check your strings. If not, then say hello! Your cervix may not be easy to reach lying down. It’s often easiest to find sitting on the toilet, or kneeling. It feels a bit like the end of someone’s nose – it’s firm and has a tiny entrance in the middle, like a tough doughnut. It changes angle and how high it sits in your vagina according to your menstrual cycle, so explore at different times of your cycle to get to know your cervix’s changing positions. If you explore before or on your period you may notice your vagina feels softer and puffier at this time. It is swelled with blood and hormones, so it’s a bit more cushioned than usual.
  • If you want to play with your clitoris and G spot at the same time there are a few ways to achieve this. The old fashioned way is using your hands – with your palm against your labia and your fingers pointing towards your anus, insert your middle finger and curl it up to where your G spot is. Then either use the ‘heel’ of your palm (where it meets your wrist), your thumb or your other hand to rub your clitoris. However this can get a bit uncomfortable and achey hands don’t help you relax into climaxing. So try using a clitoral vibrator like any of these plus a G spot vibrator like one of these. Or you can get a toy that combines the two.

As for the actual act of masturbation itself, however tried and tested your technique may be it’s always worth trying something new. It may be as simple as playing with your g-spot as you rub your clitoris, or playing with your balls as you massage around your frenulum, exploring anal play with your fingers, a butt plug or an anal vibrator. This page from Toys In Babeland is great for beginners in anal exploration. In fact their How To page is an excellent resource full stop. As for toys, I can personally recommend the FunFactory LAYAspot and G Twist used together with some vegan lube. If you’re not comfortable with insertion yet then a clitoral vibrator is a nice introduction to sex toys, use it all over and maybe combine it with some fingering if you so wish. If you’re looking at anal finger play but are worried about mess or enemas then using silicon gloves and plenty of lube makes the whole experience (pun intended, of course) a little easier.

When shopping in the UK, LoveHoney is an excellent site with an ‘OrgasmArmy’ of real-life reviewers. In the US Babeland is your site of choice. When buying sex toys toxins and phthalates are worth bearing in mind, more info here and here on what to buy and what to avoid, and why. I stick to silicon and FunFactory make some of the best silicon playthings around (I’m currently lusting after the DeLight) Keep all sex toys clean and be careful about sharing them with playmates.

As with all sex there’ll be some things you like and some things you don’t, but the fun and education lie in trying. This is a subject close to my heart so I hope you’ll forgive me the rallying cry…go forth, and orgasm!

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Heading south – oral sex part 2, men

March 22, 2008 at 4:46 pm · Filed under oral sex ·Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

(Despite being part 2, I’m beginning this post with the same introduction as ‘oral sex part 1′)

Oral sex. Much mythologised, joked about and often poorly represented, oral sex can be a very tender sexual act that both partners get a lot out of. Now first things first, never ever feel pressured into performing oral sex. Sex is a privilege not a right, and if you ever feel you are being forced into any sexual act then explain to your partner why you do not wish to engage in whatever sexual activity they are pressuring you to do and if necessary get out of the situation, the room, the relationship.

Performing oral sex can be a nerve-wracking experience, you are ‘performing’ oral on your partner and stage fright is a common and quite reasonable reaction. However, if you approach giving and receiving oral with an open mind, a willingness to communicate and a sense of fun you will have nothing to worry about.

Giving oral sex to men
First of all, let’s dispell a myth (see what I did there?) giving oral sex to men does not involve gagging, facials, being hit about the face with the penis, or, most importantly, entitlement. Men are no more entitled to blow jobs than women are to cunnilingus, and as I’ve said above sex is a privilege not a right and nobody should force you to do anything you do not wish to do. The penis is not something to be feared, disgusted by or dismissed. It is a reactive, sensual sexual organ just like the vagina. That said, if facials or being hit about the face with the penis is something you enjoy as a giver, then go ahead.

Some men are circumcised (more common in the US than the UK) and some are not. Here’s a link to a diagram of each so you can see the difference between a circumcised penis (without a foreskin) and uncircumcised (with foreskin still intact.) Just like vaginas, penises come in all shapes and sizes and different men will enjoy different oral sex techniques. And just as I urged the women in this post to get to know their vagina, the men reading this should get to know their penis. Now it’s quite likely that the men reading this will have masturbated for years and will be very familiar with their penis. However, really exploring your penis, scrotum, perinuem and anus can help you learn things about your body that perhaps you didn’t know, and can combat any shame that you may have towards your body or masturbation and sex. The penis is a beautiful, reactive sexual organ that responds to eroticism, attention and affection. It can give life and pleasure and is a sensitive wonderful body part. Men, be proud of your penises. Givers of oral sex to men, love your lover’s penis.

By the way, a word on the swallow/spit issue. Just as women receiving oral sex should taste their vaginas and get to know their body, if you are really keen on the idea of ejaculating in your partner’s mouth, taste yourself first. If you’re willing to eat pussy and they’re willing to suck cock, both of you should taste yourselves to understand your partner’s experiences and expand your self awareness. If you’re really disgusted by this idea, maybe you should think about that next time you consider ejaculating in your partner’s mouth. And of course, forcing ejaculation onto your partner, whether on their body or in their mouth, is not acceptable.

So, just as we did with the vagina, let’s get comfortable first before we embark. Laying down is the most common position, but it can get tiring with the angle of your jaw compared to the penis, as can standing. Having him sit or lay down on the bed or a chair with you kneeling in front on a cushion can be comfortable too. Experiment a little until you are both comfortable and relaxed.

Now just as the vagina flushes with blood, blossoms open and becomes wetter the more attention it gets, the penis grows from soft, flaccid and sleepy to hard, erect and awake due to psychological or physical stimulation, or both (’morning wood’ erections notwithstanding). Begin gently stroking and massaging the pubic area – from his thighs, hips and pelvic bone to the shaft and (gently) his balls and perineum, and (if he isn’t already completely erect) watch his penis engorge with blood. If he’s uncut (uncircumcised) you may see that as he becomes erect the glans of the penis (the ‘head’ of the penis) pokes out a little from behind his foreskin – be careful touching the glans especially on uncut men as it is very sensitive.

So now it’s erect, what do you do? Well try taking long licks up the shaft of the penis while gently fondling his balls. Lick in circles around the frenulum (the ridge at the base of the glans/head of the penis where it joins the shaft) with the foreskin still covering the head, and take the top few inches of his penis into mouth and gently suck. Other than that it’s up to you to explore him and watch his reactions to guide you. You might like to try:

  • Masturbating him with one hand as you suck up and down on the head of his penis, timing it so that as your hand comes up your mouth comes down
  • Gently pulling his foreskin back (using a little lube might help here) and licking his glans like an ice cream, using the top and underside of your tongue
  • Flicking your tongue around his frenulum as you play with his balls
  • Massaging his perineum as you take long, slow sucks of as much of him is comfortable

Watch his reactions, keep your pace steady and bring him to climax. Or, bring him to a peak again and again slowing down just before he comes, for a really big climax. It may be your partner cannot climax from oral sex, which is fine and quite common. You might wish to jump on board and finish him off that way, or finish him off manually (with your hands alone), or indeed use oral sex as foreplay before you both get down to it.

All men will like different styles of oral sex, but that’s just some ideas for you to try out. There’s some more ideas here at Babeland and at Smut and Steff’s 2-parter here.

Some men will enjoy anal play as part of oral sex. The male g-spot is most easily accessed via anal play (try inserting a well-lubed – condom covered if you wish – finger to massage and press the front or top anal wall as you give oral) although it can be massaged through the perineum. You could also try rimming (licking around the anus and perineum) or using a (lubed) butt plug. Make sure you are safe when exploring the anus. Dental dams (available from LoveHoney in the UK and Tulip in the US) can be used to cover the anus to prevent infection, and for partners that have not yet had an STI check always perform oral sex with a condom. Lube is always necessary for anal play. I use a vegan, all natural lube called Sliquid from LoveHoney and those of you in the US can get vegan friendly lube from the Sensual Vegan. You can get lube that is thicker and longer lasting for anal penetration and play, and if you’re not in the market for vegan lube then you have a mighty wide range of flavoured, tingling, cooling anal lube to choose from. If you ever use condoms always always always use condom-safe lube. Vaseline breaks down the material of the condom and makes them ineffective.

Anal vibrators, massagers, anal beads and many other toys can also be used during oral. I’ll be dealing with them in a ‘toys’ post.

I’m pretty much done with the givers, here’s some info for the men receiving oral sex.

You may not have received oral before, you may have recieved it and not liked it, or you may be bananas about blowjobs. Either way, respect the fact that your partner may be nervous, or not very good. As with all sex open, tactful communication is very important. If you’ve never recieved before, or never liked it, give it a few tries before you decide whether it’s for you. Try and imagine what you might like being done to you and let your partner know. Explain that you’re nervous but that you might like them to try XYZ. Don’t be ashamed of your penis, masturbation or sex. If you’re worried about your smell or taste have a shower first, making sure to wash behind your foreskin if you are uncut. Eating a low-meat high fruit and vegetable diet sweetens the taste of your semen, so you might want to consider eating healthier. As I mentioned earlier in the post, taste yourself. Get to know your penis and see it for the beautful, expressive, sensual sexual organ that it is.

During the act, relax. If your partner is bringing you to a peak and you want them to keep going, say so. If something feels uncomfortable, let them know that what they’re doing isn’t too comfy and could they try something else. If you don’t orgasm, don’t worry. Talk about what’s happening during and after and use positive language to communciate what you like and what you don’t. For instance instead of saying “don’t do that it’s horrible” or “this isn’t working” say “why don’t you try this” and react enthusiastically to what you enjoy. Giving oral sex can be quite a learning curve for your partner so help them learn, be positive and have fun.

Part of this site’s purpose is to act as a safe, open environment for discussion about sex. Please use the comment facility to ask any questions you may have, and to add your tips to each post. For instance if you have a particular sex technique that you enjoy, please share it as a comment on a relevant post.

Thanks :)  

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Heading South – oral sex part 1, women

March 22, 2008 at 2:02 pm · Filed under oral sex ·Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Oral sex. Much mythologised, joked about and often poorly represented, oral sex can be a very tender sexual act that both partners get a lot out of. Now first things first, never ever feel pressured into performing oral sex. Sex is a privilege not a right, and if you ever feel you are being forced into any sexual act then explain to your partner why you do not wish to engage in whatever sexual activity they are pressuring you to do and if necessary get out of the situation, the room, the relationship.

Performing oral sex can be a nerve-wracking experience, you are ‘performing’ oral on your partner and stage fright is a common and quite reasonable reaction. However, if you approach giving and receiving oral with an open mind, a willingness to communicate and a sense of fun you will have nothing to worry about.

Giving oral sex to women

First of all, let’s dispell a myth. The female vagina does not smell or taste fishy or disgusting. I urge any women reading this to try using a finger to taste themselves – the outer vagina often has a different flavour to the inner, and an aroused, lubricated vagina tastes altogether different too. Get to know yourself, your tastes, the way your vagina changes when it is aroused (masturbation with a mirror is highly recommended) and practice self awareness and playful exploration.

So to the givers, first things first, let’s get into a position that’s comfortable. You might find coming in from the side better than straight-on, and having her hips raised on some pillows can help make it more comfortable. A position with her standing and you kneeling means accessibility is a little hard, and she may not fully relax as she would laying down. While the ’sitting on your face’ position can be exciting, it can get tiring for her and again prevents the full explorative accessibility you’ll want. I find laying on the bed with my partner kneeling on a cushion on the floor a good position, but of course experiment and make sure you’re both comfortable. The more relaxed and at ease you both are the longer this can last and the more fun it’ll be.

So where do you start? Well firstly let’s have a look at what we’re dealing with here. Stroke and explore the area with your hands while you look the clitoris in the eye and survey the whole vaginal area. Every woman looks different – she may be hairless, trimmed or fluffy, she may have large labia, small labia, a hooded clitoris, one that’s gregarious and pops out to say hello at every opportunity…get to know your woman’s vagina. Just look at it, isn’t it beautiful? This sexual organ can give fabulous pleasure to both parties, create life if it so wishes, can be small enough to grip your finger or big enough to birth a child, it is covered in nerve endings and blossoms and flushes with colour the more attention it receives. Women, be proud of your vagina. Givers of oral sex to women, love your lover’s vagina. It is a truly wonderful area of the body.

So now you’ve clocked her vagina and you know the lay of the land, let’s start exploring. Every woman will enjoy a different pace and style of oral sex so it’s the responsibility of both partners to communicate openly, honestly and tactfully. Try starting with kisses, licks and nibbles to the insides of the thighs, the hipbones, the stomach and the pubic bone. Then explore the vagina itself, gently and teasingly. Perhaps some gentle licks with the tip of your tongue to the outer and inner labia (the outer lips where hair grows and inner, softer, lips respectively) and a little teasing of the clitoris. The clitoris is the only human organ designed entirely for sex, and it has more nerve endings that the whole penis. This makes it a wonderful little bud of joy sexually, but it is very sensitive, so go easy. Gentle teasing and sucking is better than a porn-style 300mph tongue flick.

Once you’re acquainted with the vagina and you’ve done some gentle exploration then it’s up to you to explore and pleasure the whole area, watching your partner’s responses of course. A good course of action might be something like this:

  • lick and suck at the clitoris, using the underside and topside of your tongue to do long licks as if the clitoris were an ice cream
  • insert your tongue into her vagina using your nose to rub the clitoris
  • suck and nibble gently on the inner labia
  • place your finger inside the vagina (palm facing upwards) about 2 inches in, and curl your finger up towards the top wall of the vagina. The patch of rough, ribbed flesh you feel is the g-spot. Play with this while you lick and suck at the clitoris to give your partner a big orgasms (or 2, or 3…)
  • maintain a steady pace of g-spot stimulation and clitoral play. Your partner’s breathing will quicken, she may well moan and writhe about…keep going and you’ll begin to notice the signs of an approaching orgasm. Now you can either slow down and tease her up to a peak again and again, or you can continue as you are and have her climax.

Of course all women will like a different style of oral sex, but that’s just an idea to get you started. Watch your partner’s reactions, be inventive, and have fun. Have a look at this link at Babeland and read Smutt and Steff’s 3 part guide here.

You can always add anal play to your oral sex technique. Licking around the anus and perineum (the area between the vaginal opening and the anus), gently inserting a well-lubed finger into her anus, or using a (lubed) butt plug while you eat pussy can all offer something a little different. However you need to ensure you are safe when exploring the anus and the vagina at the same time. Dams (available from LoveHoney in the UK and Tulip in the US) can be used to cover the anus (and vagina if you are with a partner who has not yet been tested for STIs) to prevent infection, and never insert anything into the vagina that has been into the anus as this can cause infection. Furthermore as the anus does not produce its own lubrication lube is always necessary for anal play. In fact lube is a handy thing to have in your toybox – it makes using sex toys a whole lot easier, is handy for anal play and for times when your vagina isn’t as lubed up as you’d like. I use a vegan, all natural lube called Sliquid from LoveHoney. Those of you in the US can get vegan friendly lube from the Sensual Vegan. If you’re not in the market for vegan lube then you have a mighty wide range of flavoured, vaginal, anal lube. If you ever use condoms always always always use condom-safe lube. Vaseline breaks down the material of the condom and makes them ineffective.

As well as anal play toys, such as clitoral massagers, g-spot vibrators, dildos and butt plugs can add more vairety to your oral sex repertoire. I’ll be dealing with toys in another entry so watch this space.

That’s about it for the givers, now I have some advice for the women receiving oral sex.

You may not have received oral before, you may have recieved it and not liked it, or you may be cunnilingus crazy. Either way, respect the fact that your partner may be nervous, or not very good. As with all sex open, tactful communication is very important. If you’ve never recieved before, or never liked it, give it a few tries before you decide whether it’s for you. Try and imagine what you might like being done to you and let your partner know. Explain that you’re nervous but that you might like them to try XYZ. Don’t be ashamed of your vagina. If you’re really worried have a shower first and gently wash the outer labia (never ever douche, the vagina is one of the cleanest places in the body and using douches to clean inside affects the pH balance of the vagina and can cause yeast infections). As I mentioned earlier in the post, taste yourself. Get to know your vagina and see it for the beautful, expressive, sensual sexual organ that it is.

During the act, relax. If your partner is bringing you to a peak and you want them to keep going, say so. If something feels uncomfortable, let them know that what they’re doing isn’t too comfy and could they try something else. If you don’t orgasm, don’t worry. Talk about what’s happening during and after and use positive language to communciate what you like and what you don’t. For instance instead of saying “don’t do that it’s horrible” or “this isn’t working” say “why don’t you try this” and react enthusiastically to what you enjoy. Giving oral sex can be quite a learning curve for your partner so help them learn, be positive and have fun.

Part of this site’s purpose is to act as a safe, open environment for discussion about sex. Please use the comment facility to ask any questions you may have, and to add your tips to each post. For instance if you have a particular sex technique that you enjoy, please share it as a comment on a relevant post.

Thanks :)

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About Liberated Libido

March 22, 2008 at 11:32 am · Filed under Uncategorized

This blog is intended as a sex-positive resource of sex education for adults. The purpose of Liberated Libido is to offer open, honest, informative advice about sex to combat the incredibly poor sex education on offer at schools, especially in the UK but all over the world. Liberated Libido encourages submissions (via comments) to its posts as well as any questions or queries that may prompt further entries.

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