Oral sex. Much mythologised, joked about and often poorly represented, oral sex can be a very tender sexual act that both partners get a lot out of. Now first things first, never ever feel pressured into performing oral sex. Sex is a privilege not a right, and if you ever feel you are being forced into any sexual act then explain to your partner why you do not wish to engage in whatever sexual activity they are pressuring you to do and if necessary get out of the situation, the room, the relationship.
Performing oral sex can be a nerve-wracking experience, you are ‘performing’ oral on your partner and stage fright is a common and quite reasonable reaction. However, if you approach giving and receiving oral with an open mind, a willingness to communicate and a sense of fun you will have nothing to worry about.
Giving oral sex to women
First of all, let’s dispell a myth. The female vagina does not smell or taste fishy or disgusting. I urge any women reading this to try using a finger to taste themselves – the outer vagina often has a different flavour to the inner, and an aroused, lubricated vagina tastes altogether different too. Get to know yourself, your tastes, the way your vagina changes when it is aroused (masturbation with a mirror is highly recommended) and practice self awareness and playful exploration.
So to the givers, first things first, let’s get into a position that’s comfortable. You might find coming in from the side better than straight-on, and having her hips raised on some pillows can help make it more comfortable. A position with her standing and you kneeling means accessibility is a little hard, and she may not fully relax as she would laying down. While the ’sitting on your face’ position can be exciting, it can get tiring for her and again prevents the full explorative accessibility you’ll want. I find laying on the bed with my partner kneeling on a cushion on the floor a good position, but of course experiment and make sure you’re both comfortable. The more relaxed and at ease you both are the longer this can last and the more fun it’ll be.
So where do you start? Well firstly let’s have a look at what we’re dealing with here. Stroke and explore the area with your hands while you look the clitoris in the eye and survey the whole vaginal area. Every woman looks different – she may be hairless, trimmed or fluffy, she may have large labia, small labia, a hooded clitoris, one that’s gregarious and pops out to say hello at every opportunity…get to know your woman’s vagina. Just look at it, isn’t it beautiful? This sexual organ can give fabulous pleasure to both parties, create life if it so wishes, can be small enough to grip your finger or big enough to birth a child, it is covered in nerve endings and blossoms and flushes with colour the more attention it receives. Women, be proud of your vagina. Givers of oral sex to women, love your lover’s vagina. It is a truly wonderful area of the body.
So now you’ve clocked her vagina and you know the lay of the land, let’s start exploring. Every woman will enjoy a different pace and style of oral sex so it’s the responsibility of both partners to communicate openly, honestly and tactfully. Try starting with kisses, licks and nibbles to the insides of the thighs, the hipbones, the stomach and the pubic bone. Then explore the vagina itself, gently and teasingly. Perhaps some gentle licks with the tip of your tongue to the outer and inner labia (the outer lips where hair grows and inner, softer, lips respectively) and a little teasing of the clitoris. The clitoris is the only human organ designed entirely for sex, and it has more nerve endings that the whole penis. This makes it a wonderful little bud of joy sexually, but it is very sensitive, so go easy. Gentle teasing and sucking is better than a porn-style 300mph tongue flick.
Once you’re acquainted with the vagina and you’ve done some gentle exploration then it’s up to you to explore and pleasure the whole area, watching your partner’s responses of course. A good course of action might be something like this:
- lick and suck at the clitoris, using the underside and topside of your tongue to do long licks as if the clitoris were an ice cream
- insert your tongue into her vagina using your nose to rub the clitoris
- suck and nibble gently on the inner labia
- place your finger inside the vagina (palm facing upwards) about 2 inches in, and curl your finger up towards the top wall of the vagina. The patch of rough, ribbed flesh you feel is the g-spot. Play with this while you lick and suck at the clitoris to give your partner a big orgasms (or 2, or 3…)
- maintain a steady pace of g-spot stimulation and clitoral play. Your partner’s breathing will quicken, she may well moan and writhe about…keep going and you’ll begin to notice the signs of an approaching orgasm. Now you can either slow down and tease her up to a peak again and again, or you can continue as you are and have her climax.
Of course all women will like a different style of oral sex, but that’s just an idea to get you started. Watch your partner’s reactions, be inventive, and have fun. Have a look at this link at Babeland and read Smutt and Steff’s 3 part guide here.
You can always add anal play to your oral sex technique. Licking around the anus and perineum (the area between the vaginal opening and the anus), gently inserting a well-lubed finger into her anus, or using a (lubed) butt plug while you eat pussy can all offer something a little different. However you need to ensure you are safe when exploring the anus and the vagina at the same time. Dams (available from LoveHoney in the UK and Tulip in the US) can be used to cover the anus (and vagina if you are with a partner who has not yet been tested for STIs) to prevent infection, and never insert anything into the vagina that has been into the anus as this can cause infection. Furthermore as the anus does not produce its own lubrication lube is always necessary for anal play. In fact lube is a handy thing to have in your toybox – it makes using sex toys a whole lot easier, is handy for anal play and for times when your vagina isn’t as lubed up as you’d like. I use a vegan, all natural lube called Sliquid from LoveHoney. Those of you in the US can get vegan friendly lube from the Sensual Vegan. If you’re not in the market for vegan lube then you have a mighty wide range of flavoured, vaginal, anal lube. If you ever use condoms always always always use condom-safe lube. Vaseline breaks down the material of the condom and makes them ineffective.
As well as anal play toys, such as clitoral massagers, g-spot vibrators, dildos and butt plugs can add more vairety to your oral sex repertoire. I’ll be dealing with toys in another entry so watch this space.
That’s about it for the givers, now I have some advice for the women receiving oral sex.
You may not have received oral before, you may have recieved it and not liked it, or you may be cunnilingus crazy. Either way, respect the fact that your partner may be nervous, or not very good. As with all sex open, tactful communication is very important. If you’ve never recieved before, or never liked it, give it a few tries before you decide whether it’s for you. Try and imagine what you might like being done to you and let your partner know. Explain that you’re nervous but that you might like them to try XYZ. Don’t be ashamed of your vagina. If you’re really worried have a shower first and gently wash the outer labia (never ever douche, the vagina is one of the cleanest places in the body and using douches to clean inside affects the pH balance of the vagina and can cause yeast infections). As I mentioned earlier in the post, taste yourself. Get to know your vagina and see it for the beautful, expressive, sensual sexual organ that it is.
During the act, relax. If your partner is bringing you to a peak and you want them to keep going, say so. If something feels uncomfortable, let them know that what they’re doing isn’t too comfy and could they try something else. If you don’t orgasm, don’t worry. Talk about what’s happening during and after and use positive language to communciate what you like and what you don’t. For instance instead of saying “don’t do that it’s horrible” or “this isn’t working” say “why don’t you try this” and react enthusiastically to what you enjoy. Giving oral sex can be quite a learning curve for your partner so help them learn, be positive and have fun.
Part of this site’s purpose is to act as a safe, open environment for discussion about sex. Please use the comment facility to ask any questions you may have, and to add your tips to each post. For instance if you have a particular sex technique that you enjoy, please share it as a comment on a relevant post.
Thanks 
